this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
