Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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