I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
