At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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