I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
