dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
A bitchslap is in order.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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