while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
