I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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