I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
