Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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