My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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