she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
