Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Randomize
