My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
