You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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