i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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