the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Randomize
