How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
