: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
