What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
two words...techno handjob
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
