highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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