That reminds me...we need to get swords
I just found a bag of teeth...
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
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