Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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