Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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