I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
