I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
