I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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