Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
