Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
