Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
