I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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