hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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