I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I wish they made helmets for livers.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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