Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
