How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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