You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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