Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Randomize
