I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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