You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
