It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
