I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
