Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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