I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Randomize
