I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
