theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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