for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
