She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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