You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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