I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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