There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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