My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
