There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
