i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
