just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
My penis needs a shock collar
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Randomize
