Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
