i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
