I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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