Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
