i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
