i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize