I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
