Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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