Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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