Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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