She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
