I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
